From the person within to the fathers who helped me create life, I had no clue how much life would change.
As far as I remember, I didn't want the marriage and parenting side of life that God said I would have one day. His message was prophetic back in 1997, as much as I thought I wouldn't be a mom and wife one day, God said, "But you will be." (Came to pass with the first child in 1999). It wasn't his command, it was just a fact. He knew things about me, that I didn't know. Like feeling unloved, bored with life, desiring more, and looking to a man (or men) to fulfill voids.
In time (a period of 20 plus years), I didn't realize how much of myself got lost in relationships (married before, married again--children in both--dating in between). There were babies--not just one, but four! Different times in my life, usually the highs, brought on the news we were expecting. It seemed that the babies came when I was trying to do more for me--they were like champagne toasts to humanity.
The dreams, plans, new faces, and challenges that came along in my world didn't show up without a baby bump, a baby walking, talking, or in school. As their milestones showed up, so did mine. In some cases, I improved emotionally and physically, but then there were those times that I didn't see anything positive--no progress just regress financially, spiritually and mentally.
Back in the early stages of parenting, how could I see the light at the end of the tunnel when a dad fell into temptation too many times to count and brought unnecessary issues to our home? Then there was the crying and needs of children that seemed to come in the middle of arguments, phone ringing, doorbell chiming, and aha moments. Fast forward past the time of separation, divorce, new job, and relocation, and along comes another man in my life and two more babies on the way and far too many issues to count--I still am upset about some things as I write. Prior to the birth of the second two babies, I will be the first to admit, I didn't leave any room for my Creator. But when I realized that I couldn't do this parenting thing without a Savior, is when he made life a tad bit easier for me.
The closer I walked with my Lord, the more I could see purpose and the more I realized just how much these children were His than mine. I was a mere vessel created for someone else's plan. Now that my sons are no longer babies, I feel somehow empowered and overwhelmed with the desire to finally get it right for me, not for a man and not for them, but for me! It's yet another journey, but this time I am willing to stick to the righteous path since I have young boys who are great motivators.
- No more looking out for just me.
- No more eating just for me.
- There isn't a day that you don't think of your children.
- Men change and don't see you, the mother, the same way.
- Relatives and friends treat you differently (more respect, sometimes include your children, want to help...)
- Career focus is not what it use to be.
- Everything costs more.
- You take your faith in God more seriously.
- Bodily changes.
- Friends come and go.
- Jobs come and go.