What are You Teaching Children about Your Abusive Relationship?

“Stay where you are not appreciated dear son, daughter…Let him hit you, because most likely you did something to deserve it.  Allow your partner to cheat on you, say nothing about it.  It’s okay for your spouse to choke you because he doesn’t like what you just said.  Cursing is perfectly acceptable, receive the name-calling and say yes, to the days or even weeks of the silent treatment, because that’s how your mother (or father) is.  Take it, just take it!”

The victims would swear they are not teaching their children such things, but they are!  They don’t see what they are doing is wrong, because they have grown accustomed to the punishment.  The children don’t see any wrong in what is happening in the house, because everyone is saying, “It’s okay. Adults act like this sometime.  One day you will be in a relationship and you’ll see.  Daddy loves Mommy you know that.”  Well Daddy sure has a funny way of showing his love to her and to the rest of the family.  

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Notice the relational patterns when you compare the past with the present.  You may have experienced something similar like witnessing parents argue viciously, someone being threatened or worse kicked, slapped, or punched.  You probably didn’t think much of it until you got older and got away from the abusive household.  You began to process some things--see the truth for yourself rather than believe others’ lies about what you saw or heard.  You reasoned your parents’ relationship was dysfunctional.  Now you look at your intimate relationships over the years and currently and what do you see?  More of the same whether you hit or don’t--name-calling, lies, alcohol abuse, silent treatment, financial abuse, isolation, manipulation, withholding, countering, codependency, sexual abuse, etc. It’s hard to see the negative when your mind chooses to block it out.  See the truth, go on, see the truth!

I spoke to a family about their growing up.  The majority of the relatives said their parents had an abusive relationship, a few kept silent, and another flat out denied others’ experiences.  His denial didn’t make the truth less true!  He chose to remember whatever he chose because he was more concerned about how people viewed him growing up in a family with so much dysfunction.  His reputation was more important in his eyes than the truth!  He was more concerned about shaming the abuser in the family and what other people thought than getting some help for himself.  

So what are you teaching your children about your abusive experiences?  They didn’t happen.  What they see isn’t really what they see.  It’s okay to hit someone when they upset you.  Love hurts every now and again so live with it!  Learn how to keep your mouth shut and your partner just might do nice things for you.  Avoid disagreement at all costs!  Forget about your needs always tend to your family’s first.  Show your partner love by going along with whatever he/she wants even if it is uncomfortable, difficult, or feels you with disgust.  Grin and bear it!  Forgive and forget about everything!

Yes, this is what victims are teaching their children whether overtly or covertly.  Another generation in a family repeating the same cycle.

Nicholl McGuire is the owner of the blog Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and the author of the book with the same title.