Showing posts with label sexual abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sexual abuse. Show all posts
Don't Take a Chance, Avoid Leaving Children Alone
For some parents they can be very irresponsible when it comes to raising children. They leave babies alone for long periods of time, fail to control meal size and snack times, children are permitted to play with or near dangerous things, while others are allowed to participate in activities far too despicable to name here.
When confronted on obvious wrongs when it comes to children, some parents, especially those who have been exposed to all sorts of evil during childhood, will justify why, "It's okay...I turned out okay...I don't need anyone telling me how to raise my children, I know what I'm doing."
Years ago, I overheard some news about children who had been left alone and burned up in a house fire, it turned out to be relatives of mine. The mother was out doing God knows what! She told no one what she was up to that day.
I have heard all too often children being left in rooms for hours "to play" while adults were in other rooms only to find that an older child is demonstrating sexual acts on younger siblings.
The longer children are left alone, the probability that they will do something they have no business is likely. Older children know how to pretend like nothing has happened while parents are away. They learn how to clean up messes, tell lies, and blame others. I have heard countless stories of children participating in underage drinking, experimenting with drugs, viewing porn, and doing many other things while parents are busy working, visiting friends, shopping, traveling, and most of all sleep.
If you are a parent and haven't checked your children's phones and gaming devices lately, you might want to. If you haven't checked up on baby-sitters in awhile, you should. If it has been a long time since you sat down with children and had a real conversation with them, you should consider doing it. There are so many people in this world who blur the lines between good and evil and don't mind using children to help create a nonchalant culture.
Nicholl McGuire
When confronted on obvious wrongs when it comes to children, some parents, especially those who have been exposed to all sorts of evil during childhood, will justify why, "It's okay...I turned out okay...I don't need anyone telling me how to raise my children, I know what I'm doing."
Years ago, I overheard some news about children who had been left alone and burned up in a house fire, it turned out to be relatives of mine. The mother was out doing God knows what! She told no one what she was up to that day.
I have heard all too often children being left in rooms for hours "to play" while adults were in other rooms only to find that an older child is demonstrating sexual acts on younger siblings.
The longer children are left alone, the probability that they will do something they have no business is likely. Older children know how to pretend like nothing has happened while parents are away. They learn how to clean up messes, tell lies, and blame others. I have heard countless stories of children participating in underage drinking, experimenting with drugs, viewing porn, and doing many other things while parents are busy working, visiting friends, shopping, traveling, and most of all sleep.
If you are a parent and haven't checked your children's phones and gaming devices lately, you might want to. If you haven't checked up on baby-sitters in awhile, you should. If it has been a long time since you sat down with children and had a real conversation with them, you should consider doing it. There are so many people in this world who blur the lines between good and evil and don't mind using children to help create a nonchalant culture.
Nicholl McGuire
You Don't Need a "Supernanny" to Be an Active Parent
The hot new reality TV show "Nanny 911" has been joined by a similar nanny-to-the-rescue show called "Supernanny." These shows depict families in which the children are extremely out of control, rebellious, spoiled or otherwise quite a handful. The nannies come in for a week (from sunrise to bedtime each day), helping the family get back on track by teaching the parents effective parenting skills and modeling these skills firsthand with the children.
I have to admit to having only seen one episode of "Nanny 911," but, speaking as a parenting educator, I was impressed. The nanny sent to the rescue knew her stuff. She taught the parents to set limits, how to discipline using logical consequences and how to be firm and calm at the same time. She was good enough--and here's a huge compliment coming--to have been an Active Parenting leader. In fact, at one point, as the passive father is learning to be more involved, these words appear on the screen: "Father is becoming a more active parent."
Although I'm not a big reality TV fan in general, I think these two particular shows can be of real value to a lot of parents. They provide useful information and teach good parenting skills. Let's face it--if it works with these dysfunctional families, these skills will probably work for you, too!
And here's the good news: you don't have to be on a reality show to learn effective parenting skills. Parenting classes are available all over the country. You can watch the videos, consult with a parent educator, and share ideas with other parents just like you. To find one in your community, check with your child's school guidance counselor. Many classes are also listed on our web site.
But however you decide to improve your family life, please keep making the effort. Parenting is not the only influence on a child's life...but it's the one you can do the most about.
Author: Michael H. Popkin, Ph.D.
Dr. Popkin is a former child and family therapist in Atlanta. He founded Active Parenting Publishers in 1983 to help parents raise responsible children who are able to face life's challenges. His free, online "What's Your Parenting Style?" quiz is a popular way for parents to spot the strengths and weaknesses of their style. http://www.activeparenting.com/parents.htm
I have to admit to having only seen one episode of "Nanny 911," but, speaking as a parenting educator, I was impressed. The nanny sent to the rescue knew her stuff. She taught the parents to set limits, how to discipline using logical consequences and how to be firm and calm at the same time. She was good enough--and here's a huge compliment coming--to have been an Active Parenting leader. In fact, at one point, as the passive father is learning to be more involved, these words appear on the screen: "Father is becoming a more active parent."
Although I'm not a big reality TV fan in general, I think these two particular shows can be of real value to a lot of parents. They provide useful information and teach good parenting skills. Let's face it--if it works with these dysfunctional families, these skills will probably work for you, too!
And here's the good news: you don't have to be on a reality show to learn effective parenting skills. Parenting classes are available all over the country. You can watch the videos, consult with a parent educator, and share ideas with other parents just like you. To find one in your community, check with your child's school guidance counselor. Many classes are also listed on our web site.
But however you decide to improve your family life, please keep making the effort. Parenting is not the only influence on a child's life...but it's the one you can do the most about.
Author: Michael H. Popkin, Ph.D.
Dr. Popkin is a former child and family therapist in Atlanta. He founded Active Parenting Publishers in 1983 to help parents raise responsible children who are able to face life's challenges. His free, online "What's Your Parenting Style?" quiz is a popular way for parents to spot the strengths and weaknesses of their style. http://www.activeparenting.com/parents.htm
Why Your Child Suddenly Doesn't Like School
So you are excited and nervous, next year your child will be going to Kindergarten! However, when you talked to him or her they tell you, "Mommy and Daddy I don't want to go to school!"
What happened? Wasn't it just a few months ago they said they wanted to go to school? The tips preceding this will help you find out why the change in attitude and what you need to do to get them excited again about school.
Did you change daycares or caretakers? Sometimes when you change the child's environment the people around them may not be enriching your child's mind or encouraging him or her when they make strides in their development. Is there a bigger child bullying him or her? Are their children making fun of them? Is he or she spending a lot of time playing alone? Find out what is going on at their pre-school.
Have you recently divorced or separated from the child's mother or father? If so, he or she may not want to go through another separation by being apart from you. Going to school may make them feel as if he or she is alone. Talk with your child's teacher about what you have noticed with your son or daughter. He or she may have some great ideas to help you with your child's behavior.
Are there negative images, people, places, or things around your child? Television, radio, and music can play a significant part in how a child views his or her world. Pay close attention whether what they are seeing or hearing is affecting their behavior.
Do they have a bedtime schedule? As crazy as it may seem, not getting enough sleep can make anyone's behavior distorted. He or she may have had bad dreams; for example, about other children, riding a school bus, or sitting in a classroom.
Have you recently had a new baby? Sibling jealousy is very real. Preschoolers can be envious of newborns. They may do or say negative things to get attention.
Has someone recently become ill or died? Depending on how close they were to the family member or friend, they may not want to attend school because they fear that you will leave them too.
Once you have determined why your child has had a change of heart about attending school, make a list of things you can do to make school fun again. Think of things you did or didn't do to promote education. Did you read to your child? Take them to fun places where other children were present? Did you let them visit a school? Show fun videotapes on going to school? When your child talks or hears about school, does your family say positive things about it?
Everyone will need to be a part of this intervention to get your child to like school again. Find workbooks, coloring books, and crafts that will promote early learning. Don't stop encouraging your child to want to learn, and interact with other children. However, if school is nearing and you have done everything consistently and got others involved to encourage your child, you may want to have he or she see a child therapist. They may be able to uncover some things happening with your child that you may have overlooked.
For more work by Nicholl McGuire, see http://whenmotherscry.blogspot.com
What happened? Wasn't it just a few months ago they said they wanted to go to school? The tips preceding this will help you find out why the change in attitude and what you need to do to get them excited again about school.
Did you change daycares or caretakers? Sometimes when you change the child's environment the people around them may not be enriching your child's mind or encouraging him or her when they make strides in their development. Is there a bigger child bullying him or her? Are their children making fun of them? Is he or she spending a lot of time playing alone? Find out what is going on at their pre-school.
Have you recently divorced or separated from the child's mother or father? If so, he or she may not want to go through another separation by being apart from you. Going to school may make them feel as if he or she is alone. Talk with your child's teacher about what you have noticed with your son or daughter. He or she may have some great ideas to help you with your child's behavior.
Are there negative images, people, places, or things around your child? Television, radio, and music can play a significant part in how a child views his or her world. Pay close attention whether what they are seeing or hearing is affecting their behavior.
Do they have a bedtime schedule? As crazy as it may seem, not getting enough sleep can make anyone's behavior distorted. He or she may have had bad dreams; for example, about other children, riding a school bus, or sitting in a classroom.
Have you recently had a new baby? Sibling jealousy is very real. Preschoolers can be envious of newborns. They may do or say negative things to get attention.
Has someone recently become ill or died? Depending on how close they were to the family member or friend, they may not want to attend school because they fear that you will leave them too.
Once you have determined why your child has had a change of heart about attending school, make a list of things you can do to make school fun again. Think of things you did or didn't do to promote education. Did you read to your child? Take them to fun places where other children were present? Did you let them visit a school? Show fun videotapes on going to school? When your child talks or hears about school, does your family say positive things about it?
Everyone will need to be a part of this intervention to get your child to like school again. Find workbooks, coloring books, and crafts that will promote early learning. Don't stop encouraging your child to want to learn, and interact with other children. However, if school is nearing and you have done everything consistently and got others involved to encourage your child, you may want to have he or she see a child therapist. They may be able to uncover some things happening with your child that you may have overlooked.
For more work by Nicholl McGuire, see http://whenmotherscry.blogspot.com
Child Sexual Abuse - Signs And Symptoms
Sexual abuse has affected millions of children throughout the world. Child sexual abuse is defined as: An adult using a child for sexual purposes. This can be in the form of child pornography, submitting children to look at pornography, fondling, touching, kissing, sodomy, exposing oneself to a child, rape, oral sex, intercourse, or having the child touch the adult. All children will react differently to this type of trauma. There is no one single identifiable sign or symptom that all children will have. They may have very subtle symptoms or they may have very pronounced symptoms. I have gathered a list of symptoms that children of sexual abuse are often seen to have.
Bedwetting (after being potty trained)
Waking up in the night screaming, nightmares or other sleeping problems
Showing an unusual fear of certain people, places or things
A reluctance to be with a certain person
Loss of appetite or trouble eating
Fear of the bathroom
Excessive crying
Mood changes, anger outbursts or withdrawal or fear
Becomes worried when clothing is removed
Wearing layers of clothing
Age inappropriate knowledge of sex
Imitating sexual acts with other children or toys, such as dolls
Withdrawing from activities they used to be involved in
Difficulty walking or sitting
Complains of pain with urination or bowel movement
Bleeding from the genital area or anus
Academic problems
Lowered self esteem
Symptoms of PTSD such as panic attacks
Somatic complaints
Regression of behavior
Having new words for private body parts
Excessive masturbation
These are all symptoms of child sexual abuse. One common feeling I have found in working with children and adolescents, is guilt. Children usually feel guilt over the abuse that occurred. It is important to remember that under no circumstance is a child ever responsible for what happened to them. It is crucial that “re- victimization” does not happen. Some ways a child can be re- victimized is by saying to the child:
“Uncle Joey, or Grandpa Bob would never do that to you, why are you lying?”
“It couldn’t of been that bad, or you would have told me sooner”
Child sexual abuse victims usually carry this trauma with them for the rest of their lives. Some children as they begin to get older will start using drugs, get into relationships with others who are abusive, see themselves as “damaged goods” and begin acting out sexually. Engage is self mutilation, such as cutting behaviors. Some children gain weight or don’t take care of themselves so they look “unattractive” to others.
There is hope. Finding the proper treatment for past trauma can be influential on how they cope with this as an adult. Rape crisis centers are usually available in most states. There is also a national rape crisis center. They are a full service agency that addresses prevention, education, crisis intervention, counseling and advocacy. They work with both children and adults. There is also a 24 hour hotline available at the national rape crisis center, for parents or victims of sexual abuse.
About the Author
Wendy McLellan is a licensed mental health and substance abuse counselor, with more than sixteen years of experience. She has recently devoted time to the efforts of http://www.safecomputerkids.com in their goal to provide parental internet safety tools and resources to the public.
Bedwetting (after being potty trained)
Waking up in the night screaming, nightmares or other sleeping problems
Showing an unusual fear of certain people, places or things
A reluctance to be with a certain person
Loss of appetite or trouble eating
Fear of the bathroom
Excessive crying
Mood changes, anger outbursts or withdrawal or fear
Becomes worried when clothing is removed
Wearing layers of clothing
Age inappropriate knowledge of sex
Imitating sexual acts with other children or toys, such as dolls
Withdrawing from activities they used to be involved in
Difficulty walking or sitting
Complains of pain with urination or bowel movement
Bleeding from the genital area or anus
Academic problems
Lowered self esteem
Symptoms of PTSD such as panic attacks
Somatic complaints
Regression of behavior
Having new words for private body parts
Excessive masturbation
These are all symptoms of child sexual abuse. One common feeling I have found in working with children and adolescents, is guilt. Children usually feel guilt over the abuse that occurred. It is important to remember that under no circumstance is a child ever responsible for what happened to them. It is crucial that “re- victimization” does not happen. Some ways a child can be re- victimized is by saying to the child:
“Uncle Joey, or Grandpa Bob would never do that to you, why are you lying?”
“It couldn’t of been that bad, or you would have told me sooner”
Child sexual abuse victims usually carry this trauma with them for the rest of their lives. Some children as they begin to get older will start using drugs, get into relationships with others who are abusive, see themselves as “damaged goods” and begin acting out sexually. Engage is self mutilation, such as cutting behaviors. Some children gain weight or don’t take care of themselves so they look “unattractive” to others.
There is hope. Finding the proper treatment for past trauma can be influential on how they cope with this as an adult. Rape crisis centers are usually available in most states. There is also a national rape crisis center. They are a full service agency that addresses prevention, education, crisis intervention, counseling and advocacy. They work with both children and adults. There is also a 24 hour hotline available at the national rape crisis center, for parents or victims of sexual abuse.
About the Author
Wendy McLellan is a licensed mental health and substance abuse counselor, with more than sixteen years of experience. She has recently devoted time to the efforts of http://www.safecomputerkids.com in their goal to provide parental internet safety tools and resources to the public.
Thirteen Things Adults Can Learn From Children
Children can teach adults a thing or two. If you just take a moment and observe a child's mannerisms, you will see some surprising things in their personalities that would make you wish, "Where did those days go when I was a kid?" Followed by childhood memories that made you smile. Whether it was your favorite toy, place to go, or the warm feeling you get when you smell a certain food or listen to a song, it's moments like those that you will cherish forever. Yet, what if you could learn from those moments through the children you watch interacting today? Make some adjustment to a life you may not be too happy with these days. What possibly could a child teach an adult? In this article you will find 13 things that you may want to add to your own personality and change the way you do things.
Smile even when everyone around you isn't. People can sometimes represent a mirror that you just don't want to view in public. Take a moment to look at the person walking past you; the grimace that is on their face may be reflective of the grimace that is on yours. A child's smile will make you smile back.
Say "Hi" to the people you come in contact with no matter what they look like or what mood they appear to be in. You don't have to look at someone to say, hello, although you should. However, sometimes a nice "Hi or Hello" can help the angriest person get out of an ugly mood. Children who are joyous don't care how ugly you may feel. When they are in a good mood, they want the world to know about it. So very young children will say, "Hi" and keep saying it until you say something and then they continue exercising their one or two word vocabulary "bye, bye!"
Be kind to nice people and ignore the mean ones. Sometimes children experience a negative feeling when certain people come around them and they will scream their heads off. Then when someone comes around they truly like, they will positively interact with them. When you know that you have attempted to be respectful to a mean person and they choose to grunt, swear, or ignore you, don't challenge them. Rather, look for a nice person and give them an extra dose of kindness.
Cry without shame. Sometimes the emotion is too great to keep in and children will let a tear fall in an unlikely place. When you feel as if you are busting out of your seams, take a moment out of your life and just let go. Whether you have happy or sad tears, let them go.
Laugh loud! Not only at what most people would laugh about, but even the things you find funny no matter how corny, gross, silly, etc.
Tell someone you trust about something new you had learned. For example, children will share their excitement about learning new things such as "I can say my ABCs and I know how to tie my shoe." Let someone know how proud you are of your accomplishments.
Show someone your pictures. Whether it was one you drew, photographed, or bought, show and tell never goes out of style. Even if your friends aren't impressed, so what! Do most children stop being creative because someone called their picture ugly?
Speak up when someone does or says something you don't like. Children will be direct about how they feel and sometimes demand that their needs are met. Don't always feel the need to hide how you feel. Since you have the advantage of knowing when is the right time to express how you feel about an issue, do it. Lying or sugarcoating your feelings will do more harm than good.
Protect your brother or sister. It isn't often that you will find someone who will show loyalty. In order to have a loyal relative or friend, you will have to first show that you are loyal. Like the little boy who stuck his hand out in front of his brother, when a stranger attempted to touch his little brother's hand, you may have to do the same one day for your brother or sister.
When you play...play hard. If you are going to bother to take a vacation, why not do it in style? Going out to eat? Enjoy the meal without cell phones. Going to the game? Yell, eat, drink and be merry! Attending a conference, meet and greet as many people as you can! Children know how to have a good time. Jumping, singing, dancing, yelling, playing games, you name it, they come to a party to have a good time.
It's okay to be a picky eater (sometimes.) You may not like a certain food or drink. Don't eat or drink it, because everyone else tells you it's good for you. Find something that is the equivalent to it. Children won't let anything touch their lips that they aren't sure of and you shouldn't either. "What is this stuff?"
Say, "I love you" to the people you care about. Children who are taught to say, "I love you." Will say it even when you don't deserve it. Don't let another day go by without sharing a little love with those you care about.
Always say, "Please" and "Thank you." Sometimes more than once, nice and loud so everyone around you can hear will do.
Although this article may have been a tad entertaining, the messages are serious. Do make an impact on yourself and someone you love by learning a few things from a child. Become a better you, by protecting, loving, and learning from the inner child within you.
For more articles by Nicholl McGuire,Click Here!
Why Parents Secretly Favor One Child Over Another
Parents began favoring one child over another the day when the not-so favored child decided to go against the rules not once, not twice, but as many times as they could to get what they wanted, make a statement, or show parents when their wrong in their judgments. Controlling adults who become parents don't take to kindly to this behavior and will punish the child, at times, severely. The hardheaded, stubborn, strong-willed, defiant and many other words used to describe this challenging child was why secretly, parents gave up on the battles with him or her and began to favor the easy-going, obedient, and respectful child.
This is a sad truth! As much as parents say they love all their children the same, the reality is they don't. They love their children differently based on the personality that they have noticed within each of their children. John will receive tough love because he challenges authority and David will receive a gentler love because he doesn't put up a challenge. As both children become older, tasks are given to them and they are expected to follow instructions and make mom and dad proud. However, the child who prefers to question authority before he completes his task is met with a frown from defeated parents who have grown weary of John's "smart mouth, mess ups" etc. So he makes a decision not to even do the task - "Why bother, my parents don't expect me to do it right anyway?" However, the favored child completes the task and doesn't let the parents' attitude or his sibling's objections affect what needs to be done. Moments like these are repeated over time, with parents asking that the room be cleaned to taking out the trash and parents all the while are judging who is more responsible and ultimately who will win the prize once they are older whether it be college paid for, a trust fund, property left to them, their grandchildren (from the favored sibling) gifts and a host of other rewards. The favored child gets an increase of "brownie points," while the other child is labeled irresponsible and reminded about the past and all the times he or she failed at assigned tasks and didn't follow parent's orders. Could it have been the un-favored child just needed a little more instruction, attention or maybe a simple smile from mom or dad that said, "I have faith in you"?
Now that the children are adults, parents are observing each adult child's behavior closely, because they know the kind of adults their children have become will reflect on whether the parents enabled their successes or failures in life. The favored child has shown a consistent lifestyle with little, if any, fluctuation in it. He or she doesn't seem to waver too far from mom or dad (oftentimes they live in the same state), they seem to be around to help them in whatever way they can -sometimes without being asked. They aren't frivolous with their finances and seem to have stable relationships with everyone around them. Yet, the not so favored child is not coming around the parents often. In fact, they may have moved out of the state, against his or her parent's wishes. He or she may not have many stable relationships and enjoys spending money at times more than what the parents would have done when they were his or her age. The parents see their adult child as irresponsible in their eyes. Is the adult child really irresponsible or just different and the parents don't like it because they can't control them? The answer to this question lies with the person going through a similar experience. Even though the parents can remember times when they made similar mistakes, they usually won't admit them, because they want their children to do "as their told" and would like to appear in the best light possible.
The favored child is sold on the parent's self-righteous behavior and will continue to make his or herself "look good" in their parents' eyes or face scrutiny (which they don't want to do, because they or their children's children might miss out on some promised reward for being "the good child." ) The least favored child, who has this history of going against parent's wishes, has added more reasons to their parents' list of why they can't be trusted or favored. Whatever the reason, the parents are attempting to justify their unfair practices. Parents believe that irresponsibility is the ultimate reason why the favored child gets what he or she receives and the others don't. When in reality, the parent chose to not like one child over the other, because they used every negative experience as a means not to grow closer together, but further apart. What happened to the concept of looking at the glass half full instead of empty when it comes to raising children?
Why don't parents, utilize the least favored child's defiance, disobedience, and other negative behaviors to understand what needs to be done to steer them in a positive direction and work to achieve the results that will make them productive members of society. Embrace the challenges--embrace the child! In the end, whether parenting is criticized or not by the children, at least parents will know that they really did do the best they could and now it is up to their child to continue to be the best they can. Parents need to remember to watch playing favorites, because they will never know when the favored child will ultimately be the one who lets you down, while the un-favored child maybe the one in your corner.
For more articles by Nicholl McGuire, Click Here!
This is a sad truth! As much as parents say they love all their children the same, the reality is they don't. They love their children differently based on the personality that they have noticed within each of their children. John will receive tough love because he challenges authority and David will receive a gentler love because he doesn't put up a challenge. As both children become older, tasks are given to them and they are expected to follow instructions and make mom and dad proud. However, the child who prefers to question authority before he completes his task is met with a frown from defeated parents who have grown weary of John's "smart mouth, mess ups" etc. So he makes a decision not to even do the task - "Why bother, my parents don't expect me to do it right anyway?" However, the favored child completes the task and doesn't let the parents' attitude or his sibling's objections affect what needs to be done. Moments like these are repeated over time, with parents asking that the room be cleaned to taking out the trash and parents all the while are judging who is more responsible and ultimately who will win the prize once they are older whether it be college paid for, a trust fund, property left to them, their grandchildren (from the favored sibling) gifts and a host of other rewards. The favored child gets an increase of "brownie points," while the other child is labeled irresponsible and reminded about the past and all the times he or she failed at assigned tasks and didn't follow parent's orders. Could it have been the un-favored child just needed a little more instruction, attention or maybe a simple smile from mom or dad that said, "I have faith in you"?
Now that the children are adults, parents are observing each adult child's behavior closely, because they know the kind of adults their children have become will reflect on whether the parents enabled their successes or failures in life. The favored child has shown a consistent lifestyle with little, if any, fluctuation in it. He or she doesn't seem to waver too far from mom or dad (oftentimes they live in the same state), they seem to be around to help them in whatever way they can -sometimes without being asked. They aren't frivolous with their finances and seem to have stable relationships with everyone around them. Yet, the not so favored child is not coming around the parents often. In fact, they may have moved out of the state, against his or her parent's wishes. He or she may not have many stable relationships and enjoys spending money at times more than what the parents would have done when they were his or her age. The parents see their adult child as irresponsible in their eyes. Is the adult child really irresponsible or just different and the parents don't like it because they can't control them? The answer to this question lies with the person going through a similar experience. Even though the parents can remember times when they made similar mistakes, they usually won't admit them, because they want their children to do "as their told" and would like to appear in the best light possible.
The favored child is sold on the parent's self-righteous behavior and will continue to make his or herself "look good" in their parents' eyes or face scrutiny (which they don't want to do, because they or their children's children might miss out on some promised reward for being "the good child." ) The least favored child, who has this history of going against parent's wishes, has added more reasons to their parents' list of why they can't be trusted or favored. Whatever the reason, the parents are attempting to justify their unfair practices. Parents believe that irresponsibility is the ultimate reason why the favored child gets what he or she receives and the others don't. When in reality, the parent chose to not like one child over the other, because they used every negative experience as a means not to grow closer together, but further apart. What happened to the concept of looking at the glass half full instead of empty when it comes to raising children?
Why don't parents, utilize the least favored child's defiance, disobedience, and other negative behaviors to understand what needs to be done to steer them in a positive direction and work to achieve the results that will make them productive members of society. Embrace the challenges--embrace the child! In the end, whether parenting is criticized or not by the children, at least parents will know that they really did do the best they could and now it is up to their child to continue to be the best they can. Parents need to remember to watch playing favorites, because they will never know when the favored child will ultimately be the one who lets you down, while the un-favored child maybe the one in your corner.
For more articles by Nicholl McGuire, Click Here!
7 Tips on Keeping Your Child Safe from Touching Games
"Boys will be boys," so some, who like to excuse offensive behavior, will say. But being a boy doesn't excuse assault, harassment, and sexual advances toward girls. However, we hear the stories in the media of boys who felt that it was okay to touch girls and at times were severely punished because of it. So what happens when it is your child? Your daughter comes to you and tells you, "Mom (Dad) there was a boy at school who put his hands on my breast and touched my backside." How would you handle it?
I had been that nine year old in a new school where boys didn't see it as nothing more than a game to touch a girl's private parts. They would target something they wanted to feel and tell their friends. Then they would hit the unlucky girl and take off running. Later, they would tell their friends whether the girl was okay with it or not. I was the one who fought back. Word traveled fast that I was mean. "Don't touch her," I would hear them say. "She is mean." That's right at nine years old my mother taught me if a boy touched you inappropriately you fight and you tell your teacher and if she didn't do anything about it, my mother was going up to my school. However, some parents didn't teach their children. I would see some of these girls deliberately sticking their breasts out or behinds playing a game of "catch me if you can!" I remember feeling sick to my stomach and a fear at times going to school, because I knew that if too many boys circled me I was doomed, but I told myself I would fight as best I could. Thank God I never got caught in the circle, but I couldn't feel sorry for the ones who did get caught, because I saw them laughing and smiling while taunting and teasing the boys before it happened. Their parents hadn't taught them any better. By the time we reached high school these same girls were pregnant before they reached 18 and by the time we all reached 25 they had already 4 or more children. I also would have to mention that there was either a mother's boyfriend or no dad in these girl's households.
So here I was at nine years old living in a strict household and never being exposed to soft porn behavior until I went to school. So I hear, things haven't changed since the eighties, they have only gotten worse. Now I have an eight and nine year old and they have told me stories about girls who are trying to kiss them. They have seen and heard stories of both girls and boys playing games that would make your jaws drop! So I asked them "Where was your teacher? Where was your daycare provider, did you tell someone?" They would answer, "She was busy." or "I told her and she said okay." So it was then that I thought, "What should parents be doing to prepare their children for the 'if you show me yours, I will show you mine' games?" So the following is what I have come up with based on personal experience as a girl, a woman, and a mom with sons.
First, as soon as your child tells you something strange has happened to them and they are obviously looking uncomfortable or maybe they don't come right out and tell you, but ask questions such as "What is sex?" You need not act offended, angry or behave like an attorney. This is when your child needs you to listen to them like a friend, noticed I said like a friend, I didn't say be his or her friend. You need to ask follow up questions slowly. "Well how did it make you feel when you saw the boy (or girl) acting like that?" Then listen to how your child responds. Next, lead in with a story of your own that made you feel uncomfortable before you tell them what they ought to say or do. Explain to them how the situation was handled by your mom and dad and how you felt about it. Your child may not want you to do anything about what they have shared with you for fear or embarrassment. So you will want to make them feel at ease about what they have shared with you while assuring them that you don't want them to get in trouble or lose friends, then thank them for sharing. Also, reward them for telling the truth, but behind their backs you get down to the bottom of this mess. What is really going on at the school playgrounds, in the coat room, back of the class, dark hallway, the bedroom of the childcare provider, back yard or behind the couch?
Next, you need to take a serious look at their surroundings as listed previously. Are there places at the school or daycare that make you feel uncomfortable as a parent? Are too many children hanging out in the tunnels on the playground far too long? What about the big oak tree or under the sliding board? Some home daycare providers have far too many places for children to act mischievous. They can also have way too many cable channels that they are turning through to get to your child's favorite children's show and so your child could be exposed to shows by accident or on purpose. He or she may see something in between channel changes that they shouldn't be seeing (of course you may be guilty of this yourself.) Music videos and teen movies tend to have way too much kissing, touching, and sexual dancing. A little girl will want to emulate the women she sees moving and gyrating. They are tall, pretty, wear beautiful clothes and jewelry. Why wouldn't they want to be like them? When you see your daughter imitating their dance moves, praise should be the last thing that any parent should be doing, but if you do a quick search on YouTube.com you will see many parents doing just that. Then they wonder why their little angel is pregnant, abused, misused and the like by age 14, 15, 16. Boys will be boys so they say, but that is no excuse and girls will be girls, but teasing boys is not what any girl should be doing.
Third, know who your children admire. Many little girls and boys have a great deal of respect for older children. So when you entrust your child into the hands of an older child, be prepared for them to no longer want to act their age; instead, they will want to act like the big girl or big boy they know. When your young child is cared for by an older child who grew up way too fast themselves, you are putting your child at risk for acting in ways that are inappropriate. Then you will want to discipline them for behavior you could have prevented yourself.
Oftentimes children will not want to get anyone in trouble for fear they may lose friends, so if you notice your child isn't as talkative when you bring up certain subjects, doesn't want to hug you like they once did, and other signs they are withdrawing from you, you will want to find out what is causing this change in their behavior. Start a conversation with them and if they seem unresponsive, looking away, or responding to your questions with short answers, you know they have something to hide.
Fourth, at some point, you will want to take some time away from work and start reacquainting yourself with your child. Just like couples need time together to enhance their relationships, parents need to learn how to take some time away from work and spend it with their children. The weekend doesn't always provide enough time to find out what is really going on in their lives as well as enhance the parental bond. You will be surprised at what you will find out. I learned a lot when I sat down each day with my children in their environment (not my bedroom or office space I wanted them to feel comfortable) read a book or watched a movie with them, and took them to places. I will tell you that if you read the Bible with them, you will find some subjects that will stimulate conversations about violence, adultery, how men treat women, etc. I was fascinated at how much knowledge they already had about these issues in life. One of my sons at eight years old told me, one day while reading the Bible, he thought a man having more than one wife was wrong. I didn't tell him whether it was right or wrong he figured it out on his own and I agreed with him. Both sons thought that men fighting and killing one another was also wrong. Yet, when they have told me stories about what their friends have said their friends acted as if it was okay. Children pay attention more to what adults do than what they say. Now for some parents the Bible may not be something you would like to use, to each their own, but there are plenty of books out there that are age appropriate and discuss sensitive subject matter. Don't underestimate your children, because most likely they already know plenty and whether we want to face the truth or not, it may have already been your child, your neighbor's child or my child in the coat room, under the slide, or behind the oak tree.
Fifth, interview your child's teachers and daycare providers who are so busy that they are "unaware that this had happened" maybe they need a second set of eyes, rearrange the classroom, get a light bulb in the dark hallway or do something else to ensure that the children are not able to get away with playing these "touch" games. I remember times as a child when playground staff had been so busy socializing with one another that they didn't bother to pay attention to the two children holding hands or the long line of girls waiting to kiss a handsome boy.
Sixth, when an offense happens to your child make a stink about it! Document what happened as told to you by your child, make copies, meet with the administration, and if necessary file charges with the police. That's right file charges. There are parents who say they will handle the matter with their child and they don't and little sassy Sandy and fresh little Frank are still going around school thinking about who they can bother next. The key is to put a stop to this kind of behavior immediately and the only way you can do that is by sounding a loud alarm by embarrassing some folks, or as one mother told me, "Put the business out in the street!"
Lastly, when it is all said and done, you may have to transfer your child to a new school depending on how bad, how frequent, and how the administration chooses to handle or not handle the matter. Let's face it, some schools are simply better than others, and why should you have to keep your child in a school that is not doing the best it can to ensure your child is being educated about reading, writing and arithmetic rather than the birds and the bees on a daily basis.
For more articles by Nicholl McGuire, Click Here!
I had been that nine year old in a new school where boys didn't see it as nothing more than a game to touch a girl's private parts. They would target something they wanted to feel and tell their friends. Then they would hit the unlucky girl and take off running. Later, they would tell their friends whether the girl was okay with it or not. I was the one who fought back. Word traveled fast that I was mean. "Don't touch her," I would hear them say. "She is mean." That's right at nine years old my mother taught me if a boy touched you inappropriately you fight and you tell your teacher and if she didn't do anything about it, my mother was going up to my school. However, some parents didn't teach their children. I would see some of these girls deliberately sticking their breasts out or behinds playing a game of "catch me if you can!" I remember feeling sick to my stomach and a fear at times going to school, because I knew that if too many boys circled me I was doomed, but I told myself I would fight as best I could. Thank God I never got caught in the circle, but I couldn't feel sorry for the ones who did get caught, because I saw them laughing and smiling while taunting and teasing the boys before it happened. Their parents hadn't taught them any better. By the time we reached high school these same girls were pregnant before they reached 18 and by the time we all reached 25 they had already 4 or more children. I also would have to mention that there was either a mother's boyfriend or no dad in these girl's households.
So here I was at nine years old living in a strict household and never being exposed to soft porn behavior until I went to school. So I hear, things haven't changed since the eighties, they have only gotten worse. Now I have an eight and nine year old and they have told me stories about girls who are trying to kiss them. They have seen and heard stories of both girls and boys playing games that would make your jaws drop! So I asked them "Where was your teacher? Where was your daycare provider, did you tell someone?" They would answer, "She was busy." or "I told her and she said okay." So it was then that I thought, "What should parents be doing to prepare their children for the 'if you show me yours, I will show you mine' games?" So the following is what I have come up with based on personal experience as a girl, a woman, and a mom with sons.
First, as soon as your child tells you something strange has happened to them and they are obviously looking uncomfortable or maybe they don't come right out and tell you, but ask questions such as "What is sex?" You need not act offended, angry or behave like an attorney. This is when your child needs you to listen to them like a friend, noticed I said like a friend, I didn't say be his or her friend. You need to ask follow up questions slowly. "Well how did it make you feel when you saw the boy (or girl) acting like that?" Then listen to how your child responds. Next, lead in with a story of your own that made you feel uncomfortable before you tell them what they ought to say or do. Explain to them how the situation was handled by your mom and dad and how you felt about it. Your child may not want you to do anything about what they have shared with you for fear or embarrassment. So you will want to make them feel at ease about what they have shared with you while assuring them that you don't want them to get in trouble or lose friends, then thank them for sharing. Also, reward them for telling the truth, but behind their backs you get down to the bottom of this mess. What is really going on at the school playgrounds, in the coat room, back of the class, dark hallway, the bedroom of the childcare provider, back yard or behind the couch?
Next, you need to take a serious look at their surroundings as listed previously. Are there places at the school or daycare that make you feel uncomfortable as a parent? Are too many children hanging out in the tunnels on the playground far too long? What about the big oak tree or under the sliding board? Some home daycare providers have far too many places for children to act mischievous. They can also have way too many cable channels that they are turning through to get to your child's favorite children's show and so your child could be exposed to shows by accident or on purpose. He or she may see something in between channel changes that they shouldn't be seeing (of course you may be guilty of this yourself.) Music videos and teen movies tend to have way too much kissing, touching, and sexual dancing. A little girl will want to emulate the women she sees moving and gyrating. They are tall, pretty, wear beautiful clothes and jewelry. Why wouldn't they want to be like them? When you see your daughter imitating their dance moves, praise should be the last thing that any parent should be doing, but if you do a quick search on YouTube.com you will see many parents doing just that. Then they wonder why their little angel is pregnant, abused, misused and the like by age 14, 15, 16. Boys will be boys so they say, but that is no excuse and girls will be girls, but teasing boys is not what any girl should be doing.
Third, know who your children admire. Many little girls and boys have a great deal of respect for older children. So when you entrust your child into the hands of an older child, be prepared for them to no longer want to act their age; instead, they will want to act like the big girl or big boy they know. When your young child is cared for by an older child who grew up way too fast themselves, you are putting your child at risk for acting in ways that are inappropriate. Then you will want to discipline them for behavior you could have prevented yourself.
Oftentimes children will not want to get anyone in trouble for fear they may lose friends, so if you notice your child isn't as talkative when you bring up certain subjects, doesn't want to hug you like they once did, and other signs they are withdrawing from you, you will want to find out what is causing this change in their behavior. Start a conversation with them and if they seem unresponsive, looking away, or responding to your questions with short answers, you know they have something to hide.
Fourth, at some point, you will want to take some time away from work and start reacquainting yourself with your child. Just like couples need time together to enhance their relationships, parents need to learn how to take some time away from work and spend it with their children. The weekend doesn't always provide enough time to find out what is really going on in their lives as well as enhance the parental bond. You will be surprised at what you will find out. I learned a lot when I sat down each day with my children in their environment (not my bedroom or office space I wanted them to feel comfortable) read a book or watched a movie with them, and took them to places. I will tell you that if you read the Bible with them, you will find some subjects that will stimulate conversations about violence, adultery, how men treat women, etc. I was fascinated at how much knowledge they already had about these issues in life. One of my sons at eight years old told me, one day while reading the Bible, he thought a man having more than one wife was wrong. I didn't tell him whether it was right or wrong he figured it out on his own and I agreed with him. Both sons thought that men fighting and killing one another was also wrong. Yet, when they have told me stories about what their friends have said their friends acted as if it was okay. Children pay attention more to what adults do than what they say. Now for some parents the Bible may not be something you would like to use, to each their own, but there are plenty of books out there that are age appropriate and discuss sensitive subject matter. Don't underestimate your children, because most likely they already know plenty and whether we want to face the truth or not, it may have already been your child, your neighbor's child or my child in the coat room, under the slide, or behind the oak tree.
Fifth, interview your child's teachers and daycare providers who are so busy that they are "unaware that this had happened" maybe they need a second set of eyes, rearrange the classroom, get a light bulb in the dark hallway or do something else to ensure that the children are not able to get away with playing these "touch" games. I remember times as a child when playground staff had been so busy socializing with one another that they didn't bother to pay attention to the two children holding hands or the long line of girls waiting to kiss a handsome boy.
Sixth, when an offense happens to your child make a stink about it! Document what happened as told to you by your child, make copies, meet with the administration, and if necessary file charges with the police. That's right file charges. There are parents who say they will handle the matter with their child and they don't and little sassy Sandy and fresh little Frank are still going around school thinking about who they can bother next. The key is to put a stop to this kind of behavior immediately and the only way you can do that is by sounding a loud alarm by embarrassing some folks, or as one mother told me, "Put the business out in the street!"
Lastly, when it is all said and done, you may have to transfer your child to a new school depending on how bad, how frequent, and how the administration chooses to handle or not handle the matter. Let's face it, some schools are simply better than others, and why should you have to keep your child in a school that is not doing the best it can to ensure your child is being educated about reading, writing and arithmetic rather than the birds and the bees on a daily basis.
For more articles by Nicholl McGuire, Click Here!
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