Toxic Dad, Grandfather, Father-in-Law Might Not Be Good for You or Children

Sometimes we just don't want to admit when a familial relationship has run its course.  People change and they don't always remain so nice, friendly, and generous when life isn't so bright and cheery for them as it once was. 

What is overlooked in some families is how a toxic, demanding personality sucks the life out of room if you let it and how that same person just might be negatively impacting your children.  We focus a lot as a society on mothers and how they interact and care for children, but fathers if not pro-active and positive can wreck havoc whether they are in our lives or not.  Author, Speaker and Virtual Assistant Nicholl McGuire shares an excerpt out of her new book, Say Goodbye to Dad, do get the book and start working on correcting any "daddy issues" that might be affecting you and how you parent your children.  Click here to listen to audio.

There is No Sharing the Babies - Battling with the Need to Keep Them Close

Whether your baby is a newborn or an adult, there is an innate need to want to protect your child.  You will not feel comfortable with who is in contact with him or her for awhile or maybe not ever.  There is nothing right or wrong with being protective, but overprotection coupled with controlling actions can cripple your baby (son or daughter) emotionally and physically as well as cause a disconnect with others.  Consider the many children who speak openly in the media about childhood and how some were not permitted to visit relatives or enjoy the company of those who may have been a different ethnicity, social class, etc.  With social networking, this is changing and children are finding out the good, bad and ugly about relatives all by themselves.


Some children have great relationships with extended relatives because parents took the time to connect with them.  They invited family out to the home or visited with children.  They asked for assistance when they needed someone to watch a child.  They also made the time to entertain loved ones over the phone, email, or social networking sites.  There was always some kind of family involvement.  Therefore, a relationship was built with kin.  However, those who didn't do these things due to any number of reasons including being protective of children, didn't bother to create a meaningful connection with relatives.


When one refuses to share babies, doesn't like or trust relatives, or even wishes to be alone on an island with a child, you have to wonder what personal issues are happening within?  Although they might be justified, one will need to strongly consider what might be the short or long term impact on the child when he or she is being isolated from others. 


As parents, we must choose who are the good guys and who might be the bad guys and act accordingly.  However, we also must be mindful not to allow our past issues with others dictate our children's present and future for we are not promised to outlive them all.  Bridge the gap where you can before it's too late!


Nicholl McGuire 

New Baby and Meddling Mother-in-Law

The following is a letter written to a clinical psychologist along with her response. Enjoy!


Dear Dr. J

I've been married for about two years. When I first met my in-laws, I really liked them. Joe's mother seemed really interested in me and supportive of me too! Three months ago, we had our son, Brian. It's been pure hell since the baby was born. My mother lives in another state, so I asked Joe's mother if she would like to come and stay to help me with the baby. She came and just took over! Every time I tried to bathe Brian or feed him (thank god I breast fed and she couldn't take over on that too!), she told me how to do it and how I was doing everything wrong!

I tried to talk to Joe about it, but he loves his mom and always defends her when I try to tell him how I feel. At the end of one week after the baby was born, she left, but I just can't stand her now! She calls all the time and wonders about the baby, but she's still butting her nose in and trying to be the authority on MY baby!

We have always had Joe's parents and my parents up for a week each in the summer time. I do not want Joe's parents to visit this year! I just dread having my mother-in-law here criticizing me all the time. Joe says he understands, but has put his foot down about not having his parents visit. He wants me to accept things as they are and not make a big deal about it. I will be a nervous wreck having to bite my tongue all the time.

Joe doesn't know this, but I've started to screen phone calls. When it's his mother, I just don't answer. Help!

Mary

Dear Mary

This is a pretty common problem, but a painful one. It is very important for you to get a handle on this conflict with your mother-in-law asap! You say you liked your mother-in-law before and that you felt her attention to you was supportive and positive. This is good because, underneath this conflict, you have good feelings about your in-laws. You don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater on this.

It's not that you want no contact with them, you just don't
want your mother-in-law trying to be the mother. Sometimes it seems easier to be rather black and white about something like this, but the answer is slightly more grey than that. It will
require ongoing boundary setting with your mother-in-law around her role as a grandmother. And, for that, you must get your husband on board.

Sit down with Joe at a time when you are not upset. You can use my response as an opener if you like. The main point is that you and Joe need to be on the same page with this. Otherwise, he will feel caught in the middle between you and his mother, and this is not good! You will end up feeling alone and you may get more and more angry and agitated and try to set rigid and punitive boundaries with your in-laws. This would be a big mistake. Your son can only benefit from his contact with his grandparents. He needs these relationships with extended family. So, you must put his needs before your own on this. And, if you don't get this resolved, it will also have a negative impact on your marriage.

The goal in the talk with Joe is to develop a plan where BOTH of you talk to his mother. In fact, it might be better for Joe to take the lead since it is his mother. He needs to support
you on this, but he also needs to consider the feelings of his parents. Just be sure you and Joe talk it out and know what your agenda is and then talk to his parents, maybe when they come to visit.

My suggestion is to wait and see how they interact when they arrive. Sometimes grandparents can be overbearing when a new baby has arrived, and tend to back off later. If it's still a problem, be sure to tell them how much you enjoy having them in Brian's life and what good grandparents they are. Then ask for the behavior changes you would like.

Avoid making accusatory and blaming statements. It might sound something like this, "We realize you and dad have a lot more parenting experience than we do, and we would like to
be able to ask you for advice. But we would like to take the lead with Brian. We have thought a lot about how we want to raise him, and we have our own ideas about parenting. If we need to, can we then ask you for advice? We may want to do some things differently than you did, and most things will probably be the same. But if you wait for us to ask, we won't feel that you are trying to tell us what to do." Use your own words, but be direct and make sure they understand your boundaries.

Dr. J

Jennifer J. Sowle, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Licensed Marriage and FamilyTherapist. She is also an AASECT Certified Sex Educator and Sex Therapist. Dr. Sowle has a private practice in Northern Michigan.

Dr. Sowle’s website, http://here-to-listen.com, explores psychological issues like: Depression, Anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Eating Disorders. She also gives information on relationships, such as conflict resolution, managing family finances, communication techniques, divorce, parenting, and sexuality. She helps in talking to your children about sex and sexual abuse and also addresses stress, anger management, and gay and lesbian issues. Regular features are “Ask Dr. J” and “Can This Relationship Be Saved?”