The Newborn Brought Out the Best and the Worst in My Family

Cute and cuddly,  I was holding a precious life in my hands.  Little did I know just how much would change in a matter of weeks in my own family.  Relatives were not always behaving themselves.  Negative comments were thrown around about who would see the child, how long, and whether others would do anything for the new baby.

The journey of not only parenting a newborn was well underway, but so too was the mean-spirited behavior of some in-laws turned outlaws had showed and showed out!  There was possessive grandmother, jealous grandmother, controlling grandfather, and lazy grandfather.  Once in awhile someone had time and money for their grandchild while others didn't and then another would step it up and the cycle would continue.  It was like they were taking turns on being nice one minute and uncooperative the next.

With the tension in the air and the know-it-all attitudes all around, my relationship with the father suffered.  I grew fed up early on with relatives.  I was already tired often, felt the emotional and financial strain, and the lack of support from the father was pissing me off on a regular basis.  He behaved like a single man rather than a family man.  It wasn't until almost a decade later that he finally got it and by that time we had divorced.

I also experienced post-partum that didn't last just a week, I was depressed, sad, and sometimes emotionally withdrawn from everyone on and off for about a year.  The phone was irritating, the baby's crying drove me up the wall, the household tasks were mounting, and my bank account was draining.  No one or book could prepare me for the years of challenges ahead raising a child.

That baby turned out to be a light that exposed the dysfunction back then among so many.  A dysfunction that I didn't want to see.  I got to see sides of relatives that I suspected existed, but having that baby amplified them.  I didn't want him to experience what I had experienced growing up and worked hard to keep him away from any foolishness.

As he grew older, he had his own personal challenges and not always did we adults understand or was all that supportive.  For me, I had to do much praying and trust God that He knew what he was doing.

When I relocated, against my own parents wishes, it was tough.  We all had some growing up to do.  I knew I had to be independent and learn some things about life on my own just as they did.  I found that I could parent without needing a babysitter, relying on family materially and emotionally, and loving who I was as a mother without watchful eyes.

These days that child is now 20 years old--a grown man!  He is living in a nice location, driving a 2017 Jeep, and carrying two jobs that he enjoys.  He prays nightly and whenever I talk to him he motivates me to live my best life!  He tells me, "Don't worry about me, I will be fine!"

When I looked back on how the baby rocked my world and those around me at the time, I also understand why.  He was a gift.  A child that would grow up to be one of the good ones.  It isn't easy raising any child, but a child of God is something special.

So I encourage every parent who is expecting a child or has a newborn, think ahead--years ahead!  What do you want for your child and for you?  What type of influences do you want your child to be exposed to?  Are you respected, loved and appreciated in your own family?  Will you provide those things for your own child?

Imagine your child grown able to encourage and help you one day, it was motivating for me during some tough times.  I had to walk out of the room, breathe and tell myself, "It won't always be like this."  I picked up the phone and called those same people who had their share of issues with me getting pregnant in the first place.  I gave them an opportunity to be a part of our lives and for a time they were.  But I had, had enough and realized that I wanted more for my family that didn't involve pettiness and controlling behaviors.

Your baby is a gift, enjoy him or her while you still can.

Nicholl McGuire 

What are You Teaching Children about Your Abusive Relationship?

“Stay where you are not appreciated dear son, daughter…Let him hit you, because most likely you did something to deserve it.  Allow your partner to cheat on you, say nothing about it.  It’s okay for your spouse to choke you because he doesn’t like what you just said.  Cursing is perfectly acceptable, receive the name-calling and say yes, to the days or even weeks of the silent treatment, because that’s how your mother (or father) is.  Take it, just take it!”

The victims would swear they are not teaching their children such things, but they are!  They don’t see what they are doing is wrong, because they have grown accustomed to the punishment.  The children don’t see any wrong in what is happening in the house, because everyone is saying, “It’s okay. Adults act like this sometime.  One day you will be in a relationship and you’ll see.  Daddy loves Mommy you know that.”  Well Daddy sure has a funny way of showing his love to her and to the rest of the family.  

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Notice the relational patterns when you compare the past with the present.  You may have experienced something similar like witnessing parents argue viciously, someone being threatened or worse kicked, slapped, or punched.  You probably didn’t think much of it until you got older and got away from the abusive household.  You began to process some things--see the truth for yourself rather than believe others’ lies about what you saw or heard.  You reasoned your parents’ relationship was dysfunctional.  Now you look at your intimate relationships over the years and currently and what do you see?  More of the same whether you hit or don’t--name-calling, lies, alcohol abuse, silent treatment, financial abuse, isolation, manipulation, withholding, countering, codependency, sexual abuse, etc. It’s hard to see the negative when your mind chooses to block it out.  See the truth, go on, see the truth!

I spoke to a family about their growing up.  The majority of the relatives said their parents had an abusive relationship, a few kept silent, and another flat out denied others’ experiences.  His denial didn’t make the truth less true!  He chose to remember whatever he chose because he was more concerned about how people viewed him growing up in a family with so much dysfunction.  His reputation was more important in his eyes than the truth!  He was more concerned about shaming the abuser in the family and what other people thought than getting some help for himself.  

So what are you teaching your children about your abusive experiences?  They didn’t happen.  What they see isn’t really what they see.  It’s okay to hit someone when they upset you.  Love hurts every now and again so live with it!  Learn how to keep your mouth shut and your partner just might do nice things for you.  Avoid disagreement at all costs!  Forget about your needs always tend to your family’s first.  Show your partner love by going along with whatever he/she wants even if it is uncomfortable, difficult, or feels you with disgust.  Grin and bear it!  Forgive and forget about everything!

Yes, this is what victims are teaching their children whether overtly or covertly.  Another generation in a family repeating the same cycle.

Nicholl McGuire is the owner of the blog Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and the author of the book with the same title.

Co-Parenting - parents, separation, divorce

Dealing With Sibling Rivalry

When the Children Want a Sleep Over or to Sleep Over Friend’s House

I saw the words “sleepover” on the invite.  I didn’t have any alarm bells about the invitation until I thought about the many stories of children experiencing their firsts at someone else’s house and it wasn’t all positive.

“Sleepover, hmm”--I was thinking.  My son had that hopeful look in his eye--the one where a child is all-too-excited about something that he hasn’t bothered to think much about other than, “It will be fun.”

Photo by thr3 eyes on Unsplash

I felt a battle ahead if I flat out said, “No.”  I proceeded to call the number on the invite, it was late.  I changed my mind; I didn’t need a sales pitch on how “fun, safe, great…” the people and the home will be.  Instead, I thought, “Why not put the research skills that I have to assist businesses to good use?  Thorough background investigations are made when it comes to borrowing money, why not check this person out who thought it wise to invite a bunch of kids to her home?”  Later, we can have that discussion that falsely makes us feel like we “know” one another.  At that time, the friendly, free-spirited mother, who has boldly opened her home up to the public, can share whatever she decides with me that will put me at ease while I’ll pretend like I didn’t do any background check, Google search about the neighborhood and other pertinent information about all who live there.

“Sleepover,” those thoughts of yesteryear danced through my mind.  The misbehaving children who liked to irritate others, the experimental ones who liked to do everything that adults do, the abusive ones who enjoyed pinching, punching, pulling…  The stress some young people experience in an environment that is supposed to be fun.  All the while an annoyed and/or sensitive child, who doesn’t want to be viewed as the “snitch, tattle-tale,” will have to grin and bear it all.   Those hours will be long staying in a house possibly up all night doing God knows what since parents will want to go to bed at some point.

Alcohol not locked up, pet living in house, young adult male hanging around children other than parents--sketchy past…the insecurities were growing and my son’s hope was dwindling.  “After careful consideration with dad, we regret to inform you that the answer is ‘No’ to the sleepover, but ‘Yes’ to the party at the public venue.”  Yep, that’s how it played out in my head.  When I did speak to my child who looked up at me with that eager look, I didn’t falter, the answer was still, “No” and “here’s why…”  He didn’t want to hear what we had to say.  He took off down the hall visibly upset, closed his bedroom door, and got into his bed with tears in his eyes.  Dad tried to talk to him, he wasn’t hearing it.  I didn’t bother, I thought about how this child has done his share of things that upset me not that long ago and others.  He still has some growing up to do. 

Although he didn’t handle the news well the night before, he still got to go to the party, but the sleepover?  Meeting the family didn’t convince dad and I was firm with my decisions regardless, so still no to the sleepover.

Oh well, this child who usually gets his way--not this time.  Sure, it may not be that serious to some parents, but we are responsible for our children and if something would have happened…Well at least we don’t have that worry.   

Nicholl McGuire is the author of When Mothers Cry and other books.