What are You Teaching Children about Your Abusive Relationship?

“Stay where you are not appreciated dear son, daughter…Let him hit you, because most likely you did something to deserve it.  Allow your partner to cheat on you, say nothing about it.  It’s okay for your spouse to choke you because he doesn’t like what you just said.  Cursing is perfectly acceptable, receive the name-calling and say yes, to the days or even weeks of the silent treatment, because that’s how your mother (or father) is.  Take it, just take it!”

The victims would swear they are not teaching their children such things, but they are!  They don’t see what they are doing is wrong, because they have grown accustomed to the punishment.  The children don’t see any wrong in what is happening in the house, because everyone is saying, “It’s okay. Adults act like this sometime.  One day you will be in a relationship and you’ll see.  Daddy loves Mommy you know that.”  Well Daddy sure has a funny way of showing his love to her and to the rest of the family.  

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Notice the relational patterns when you compare the past with the present.  You may have experienced something similar like witnessing parents argue viciously, someone being threatened or worse kicked, slapped, or punched.  You probably didn’t think much of it until you got older and got away from the abusive household.  You began to process some things--see the truth for yourself rather than believe others’ lies about what you saw or heard.  You reasoned your parents’ relationship was dysfunctional.  Now you look at your intimate relationships over the years and currently and what do you see?  More of the same whether you hit or don’t--name-calling, lies, alcohol abuse, silent treatment, financial abuse, isolation, manipulation, withholding, countering, codependency, sexual abuse, etc. It’s hard to see the negative when your mind chooses to block it out.  See the truth, go on, see the truth!

I spoke to a family about their growing up.  The majority of the relatives said their parents had an abusive relationship, a few kept silent, and another flat out denied others’ experiences.  His denial didn’t make the truth less true!  He chose to remember whatever he chose because he was more concerned about how people viewed him growing up in a family with so much dysfunction.  His reputation was more important in his eyes than the truth!  He was more concerned about shaming the abuser in the family and what other people thought than getting some help for himself.  

So what are you teaching your children about your abusive experiences?  They didn’t happen.  What they see isn’t really what they see.  It’s okay to hit someone when they upset you.  Love hurts every now and again so live with it!  Learn how to keep your mouth shut and your partner just might do nice things for you.  Avoid disagreement at all costs!  Forget about your needs always tend to your family’s first.  Show your partner love by going along with whatever he/she wants even if it is uncomfortable, difficult, or feels you with disgust.  Grin and bear it!  Forgive and forget about everything!

Yes, this is what victims are teaching their children whether overtly or covertly.  Another generation in a family repeating the same cycle.

Nicholl McGuire is the owner of the blog Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and the author of the book with the same title.

Co-Parenting - parents, separation, divorce

Dealing With Sibling Rivalry

When the Children Want a Sleep Over or to Sleep Over Friend’s House

I saw the words “sleepover” on the invite.  I didn’t have any alarm bells about the invitation until I thought about the many stories of children experiencing their firsts at someone else’s house and it wasn’t all positive.

“Sleepover, hmm”--I was thinking.  My son had that hopeful look in his eye--the one where a child is all-too-excited about something that he hasn’t bothered to think much about other than, “It will be fun.”

Photo by thr3 eyes on Unsplash

I felt a battle ahead if I flat out said, “No.”  I proceeded to call the number on the invite, it was late.  I changed my mind; I didn’t need a sales pitch on how “fun, safe, great…” the people and the home will be.  Instead, I thought, “Why not put the research skills that I have to assist businesses to good use?  Thorough background investigations are made when it comes to borrowing money, why not check this person out who thought it wise to invite a bunch of kids to her home?”  Later, we can have that discussion that falsely makes us feel like we “know” one another.  At that time, the friendly, free-spirited mother, who has boldly opened her home up to the public, can share whatever she decides with me that will put me at ease while I’ll pretend like I didn’t do any background check, Google search about the neighborhood and other pertinent information about all who live there.

“Sleepover,” those thoughts of yesteryear danced through my mind.  The misbehaving children who liked to irritate others, the experimental ones who liked to do everything that adults do, the abusive ones who enjoyed pinching, punching, pulling…  The stress some young people experience in an environment that is supposed to be fun.  All the while an annoyed and/or sensitive child, who doesn’t want to be viewed as the “snitch, tattle-tale,” will have to grin and bear it all.   Those hours will be long staying in a house possibly up all night doing God knows what since parents will want to go to bed at some point.

Alcohol not locked up, pet living in house, young adult male hanging around children other than parents--sketchy past…the insecurities were growing and my son’s hope was dwindling.  “After careful consideration with dad, we regret to inform you that the answer is ‘No’ to the sleepover, but ‘Yes’ to the party at the public venue.”  Yep, that’s how it played out in my head.  When I did speak to my child who looked up at me with that eager look, I didn’t falter, the answer was still, “No” and “here’s why…”  He didn’t want to hear what we had to say.  He took off down the hall visibly upset, closed his bedroom door, and got into his bed with tears in his eyes.  Dad tried to talk to him, he wasn’t hearing it.  I didn’t bother, I thought about how this child has done his share of things that upset me not that long ago and others.  He still has some growing up to do. 

Although he didn’t handle the news well the night before, he still got to go to the party, but the sleepover?  Meeting the family didn’t convince dad and I was firm with my decisions regardless, so still no to the sleepover.

Oh well, this child who usually gets his way--not this time.  Sure, it may not be that serious to some parents, but we are responsible for our children and if something would have happened…Well at least we don’t have that worry.   

Nicholl McGuire is the author of When Mothers Cry and other books.

On Raising Good Children - Parental Goals this New Year

Over the years, I have spent much time communicating my expectations specifically, so now that my children are older, they know better.  Here are the areas we focused on by age with teachers' and family support.  Notice what your children's weaknesses are and start from there in coordinating a plan for their success.

Relationship

Set aside one-on-time to discuss school and other personal concerns.
Plan an activity with each individual child to help with better communication and fostering great relationships with others.
Note:  Be sure that family time doesn't suffocate marital relationship.  Set agreed upon date nights.

GOAL:  To help them become the kind of men who value others thoughts/opinions/actions and develop positive feelings within for self.  Be good!

Work Ethic

Set aside specific day and time to perform chores (daily, weekly and monthly).
Implement chores, follow-up.  Preach consistency and taking their time to do a good job!
When chores are incomplete, no rewards until they are completed and well.

GOAL:  To be future managers and employees who perform well for employers and take pride in their work.

Education

Notice the schoolwork they are bringing home.  See weaknesses and successes.  Plan to assist with areas they are falling short.  School break time reserved for practicing, problem-solving and studying at least 30 minutes to an hour each day.  Underperforming?  No gaming, play dates, television, shopping, movies, etc.

GOAL:  To help them be good students of life in the future always open to learning more.

Personal Finance

Assist with developing income streams for them such as: freelance work, part-time work, and paid tasks online.

Check in with children regarding how they are handling money.  Communicate what money is being used for i.e. chore money is used for upcoming desired school activities and no longer for random toy shopping.

Ask them each time when they receive money where are we putting this?  Note:  We started off with an envelope system not online or offline bank accounts when they were pre-school age, because I wanted them to feel and see their money.  They weren't impressed with viewing money on a computer screen initially.

• Save
• Invest
• Donate
• Spend

GOAL:  To be good stewards of their wealth in the future. 

Faith

Expose children to healthy spirituality programming based on faith based principles such as: ethics, kindness, charity, love, respect, nature, etc.

GOAL:  To understand that they didn't just arrive on this planet, but that their Creator has a purpose and plan for their lives and His will is centered on good morals and other wisdom.

Friendship

Teach them how to discern healthy and unhealthy friendships.  Check in with them about new friends.

GOAL:  To establish healthy boundaries with all people and most of all to be a good friend!

Personal hygiene and other related health topics

Pay attention to how they look, smell, eat, etc.  Share knowledge and watch to see if they are performing good practices.  Note: Exercise, medicine, vitamins, doctor's appointments, and more were also valuable topics we shared our thoughts about.

GOAL: To be conscience of their body and not let it be a problem later for themselves as well as others.  Note:  The boys thought these discussions were fun and they had many laughs but they learned!

Ask yourself, "Have I discussed X topic?  Have we set a timeline to complete a task, goals to achieve...?  Have I listened and shared a follow up date?  Have I met their needs?
End result:  Are the children meeting goals?  Are they displaying a better attitude?  Is there something more serious going on that requires a medical appointment, correspondence with their educators, talk with the other parent or relatives, or a meeting with a friend's mom or dad?

Note your findings and jot down other goals that come to mind.  Check back in a month or so to see if things are better.

I spent many years setting up "school time" from home and family meetings up to four hours long with various activities for them to perform.  Two out of the four boys are young adults now and have various income streams as well as a life outside of work from reading to attending special events.  They are described by those who come in contact with them to be: polite, respectful, and hard workers.  It helps to be a strong disciplinarian and have an agreeing partner when they fall short of goals.  I hope this inspires you to be the best parent you possibly can, you can do it!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of When Mothers Cry, What Else Can I Do on the Internet? and many other books. She is also the owner of this blog.